Guest Post: A Word From Toby

"If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?"

--George Carlin

I just looked at the calendar and realized that next Tuesday is the beginning of July. Where did June go?? I have several summer projects and an anniversary celebration for my parents coming up by the end of July, and I really need to get busy on those rather than spend so much time blogging. So today, to save time, I thought I'd ask another household member to take over the blogging duties and write a guest post. But first, a little background on today's host.

I don't believe in reincarnation, but if there is such a thing, I know exactly how I would want to come back in my next life--as a cat. Not just any cat, mind you, but specifically Toby, the lord of our manor. Toby has his every need taken care of and spends his days sleeping and lazily exploring the grounds. Sounds like a great life, doesn't it?

Despite his aristocratic good looks and regal bearing, life has not always been easy for Toby. Nothing is known about his family, but his blue, blue eyes suggest some Siamese heritage. Like most of the pets here at the Prairie, Toby was a rescue cat. When older Daughter was in college, she dated a football player and became friends with some of his teammates. One of them asked her one day if she would adopt a kitten that lived in his apartment. I don't know all the details, but apparently he felt the kitten was being abused by one of his football roommates and knew Daughter was an animal lover. She naturally agreed and gave Toby a home in her apartment. He was rather nervous and skittish at first, but after some time relaxed and eventually became the laid-back character he is today. After college she and Toby moved in with us for a couple of years before moving to Arizona last summer. As much as she wanted to take Toby with her, she knew it was in Toby's best interest to stay here. He loves the farm: every morning and evening he explores the grounds outside and has even been known to climb a tree or two despite being declawed. And the farm has been good to him--once a trifle overweight, he's trimmed down with the exercise and now looks quite svelte.

And now, I will turn the keyboard over to Toby.


Thank you, Rose; I would be pleased to share a few insights with your readers.


Thank heavens, she has left the room. Now I can be frank and give you the true story on this family. The Woman fantasizes about being a mystery writer some day, yet she's never written more than the first page of a novel over and over again. I have given her many ideas from plot to characters, but she never listens, unfortunately. I don't know why; after all, Lilian Braun has done quite well with a feline protagonist in her mysteries. Instead, the Woman spends all her writing energy on this silly blog. Even then she has to rely on me as her muse and editor.


Some other aspects of her character that you may not know include the fact that she has a bad habit of hoarding. Just how many empty boxes does one person need? Of course, she is not as bad as the Man; he never throws anything away.

She even has three small aquariums in the garage, leftovers from a garage sale last year. It's no wonder they didn't sell; I've checked them out, and they are really too small to accommodate anyone but a small fish. I've recommended she throw them away, but once again, she hasn't taken my advice.

On the other hand, I did spend some time in her basement storage area this past winter and recommended a thorough sorting and re-organizing. Thankfully, she did take my clutter control advice, and now we can walk through the area and find whatever we need. I have been thinking about offering my services as a consultant to HGTV's "Mission Organization," but so far I have not gotten a response.


The Woman is also quite the scatterbrain. One day I had just settled in for an afternoon nap on a soft pile of freshly laundered clothes, when she came along and slammed the dryer door shut. I was forced to spend the entire night in the dryer until the Young Woman came to my rescue the next morning! The Woman blames it on the Young Woman, saying she had left the dryer door open with clothes strewn everywhere, but I fault her for not even taking the time to check who might be in the dryer. She was properly repentant the next day, but I gave her the silent treatment, nevertheless. It is important that such careless actions not go unpunished. Humans need to be trained properly to co-exist with us.


I used to have a companion, Max. In our youth we enjoyed recreational wrestling and other activities of the young. I am sad to say, though, that Max passed suddenly two years ago from an insidious disease. I miss him, but one must go on. May you rest in peace, old chum. There are other companions here in the manor, but I find them more annoying than entertaining. In particular, the pampered Pomeranian Young Woman refers to as Coconut is tolerable at times, primarily when he is relaxing or sleeping. At other times, he is simply an annoyance. He finds it quite amusing to play this little game of trying to prevent me coming inside after I take a little fresh air. I play along with him for awhile and let him think he has dominated me, but it really is quite tiring. I could easily overpower him, but I abhor violence and refuse to resort to fisticuffs.


There are also some other felines, but for the most part they remain outside. One female called Sasha comes in quite often and seems to be a favorite of the Man, but she is rather bossy and I've let her know in no uncertain terms who is the head of the house here.

My days are filled with activity. It's important to supervise the Woman in her housekeeping duties to assure that she does them properly. She is not a particularly meticulous housekeeper, although the house is presentable and she does prepare regular meals for me. The one area in which she is somewhat lacking is maintaining cleanliness in my downstairs toilet facilities. I really must speak to her about that.




Assisting in cleaning takes up some of my time, including the proper storage of out of season clothing in the bedroom.



Occasionally, I also assist her in her gardening. She took this photograph of me and published it on one of her posts because she thought it was "cute." How condescending! In reality I was trying to help her once again, measuring the depth of this planter and calculating the best types and number of plants to fill the container. It was my eye that concluded a purple and white scheme would complement the pink color of the planter.

I also assist the other humans in the house as well, although the Young Woman is not very responsive to my suggestions. I occasionally venture into her room; however, it is in such a state of perpetual chaos that I prefer to be elsewhere. The Man is a little more responsive though rather sedentary. When he returns home in the evenings, I sit by him while he ruminates over a crossword puzzle and subtlely give him hints to the answers. He has been known to sit for hours at a time watching a pointless game he calls baseball; during this time I try to nudge him occasionally to make sure he is still breathing.

The Woman finds it amusing that I have a penchant for empty bags, boxes, and even high closet shelves. She frequently interrupts me to take photographs to e-mail to the tall Young Woman who used to be my personal assistant. What she doesn't understand is that there is a method to what she presumes is my madness. There are small Humans that visit the house occasionally, and while one-on-one they can be polite and respectful, they can also be rather boisterous, especially in groups. I find it much simpler at these times to retreat to one of my previously discovered places of seclusion and enjoy the solitude until they have departed.

I find that an afternoon nap is quite refreshing and renews my energy for the rest of the day. Quite often it is the only time that I can sleep in solitude. At night the Woman and the Man like to sleep in bed with me, and it can get somewhat crowded. Apparently, they are afraid of sleeping by themselves.

Hobbies are also important to an overall sense of well-being. One of my favorite pastimes is bird-watching. I find that the large picture window in the living room offers the perfect vantage point for birding. The goldfinch feeder hangs from a tree directly in front of me, per my request, and I have spotted at least 8-10 additional species of birds in the front lawn at one time.

In the evening I take my daily constitutional: exercise is important for mental stimulation as well as for health reasons. In all modesty, this evening ritual has enabled me to keep my youthful figure. I prefer walking to more strenuous activities and find that sufficient to stay fit and trim. Occasionally stopping to enjoy the smells and sounds of nature is a pleasant and effective way to relieve the stress of the day.

Please note the stick at my paws in the picture above is for the dog, not me. The Woman and the small Humans are trying to train him to "fetch." He hasn't quite mastered the concept, not having the intellectual capacity that I have. Of course, I find such activities beneath me, preferring mentally stimulating games such as war maneuvers with the birds.

These maneuvers involve prowling stealthily along the ground for low-flying or unwary birds on the ground. Once my prey is spotted, I move in for the attack. I have startled many an unsuspecting bird this way. Do not fear, though; I would never harm a defenseless bird. It's all in good fun, although I do think some of the creatures have developed an actual fear of me; I have heard them refer to me as "The Great White Hunter."

Indeed I do have a very fulfilling life. The Woman has alluded to my dysfunctional family and and abandonment as a child, but I have put the past behind me. One cannot blame others for one's lot in life; in order to move forward, one must accept responsiblity for his own actions. I have created a pleasant atmosphere in my home so that it is a sanctuary for me, and supervising this family of Humans has provided me with a rewarding career. I plan to live here the rest of my life; frankly, this group of humans couldn't function without me.

It has been a pleasure to make your acquaintance. I wish all of you a pleasant and enjoyable weekend.

Yours,

Toby, Esq.