The Final Rabbit Solution

Having read several blogs lately about dealing with the bane of gardeners everywhere--the rabbit--I thought you might be interested in my foolproof way of keeping these little pests out of your garden permanently.

After rabbits devoured a whole row of vegetables in my garden last year, I was determined to find some way of deterring them from further destruction. After trying countless methods that simply didn't work, I hit upon a brainstorm, albeit a little drastic. I borrowed a taser gun from a police officer friend of mine. One late spring evening last year I stationed myself in the garden, hiding behind the tomato plants, clad in camouflage borrowed from my son, the hunter. My patience eventually paid off.

The enemy cautiously hopped in the garden, never suspecting I was lying in wait. As they began to nibble on carrot tops, I sprang up from my hiding place and zapped two of them before they even had a chance to swallow.

Quickly, before they could recover, I began the second step of the process of rabbit eradication. I retrieved the pail of plaster of paris I had mixed up shortly before. I poured the mixture on both of them, still unconscious from the taser, and smoothed a thick coating over their entire bodies. I propped them up carefully to allow the mixture to harden quickly.

Voila!

You can see the end result is quite an aesthetically pleasing addition to my garden, plus it has the added benefit of deterring any further rabbit invasions. Apparently, the plaster statues serve as a warning to all rabbits what might happen to those who dare to enter my garden, much like the heads of criminals on the city walls of London did many centuries ago.

If you are interested in the exact process for creating these statues, you may email me at prairierose@aprilfools.com.

(Perhaps I've gone too far...I've read too much Jonathan Swift. Before anyone reports me to the ASPCA, these statues are actually in the Master Gardeners Idea Garden on the U of I campus. In a couple days I plan to post a story about a dear departed pet, Buddy the Bunny. I hope you will read it.)